Ductionary Definition: The iHorn


Ducks and Chucks,


Apologies for the delay! Star hasn't been well, but is much better now.


What, you ask, is the iHorn? Well, it all started on Sunday, when Riley and I were trying to enjoy our favorite soap opera, The Duckers.


"I don't remember The Duckers having such odd background music," said Riley.


"That," I said, "is because it never has background music." When I listened carefully to the odd, crackly Mozart-like sound, which was accompanied by rumbling and the occasional crash, I decided it was coming from the bathroom. And you know who's been spending a lot of time in our bathroom of late? Sir Mallard ducking Jones.


I slid off the couch to investigate, but no sooner had I'd landed on my flippers than the Mozart seemed to shut off, while the grinding and bashing noises grew louder and closer by the moment. By the time I'd gotten to the doorway, Sir Mallard was trundling towards me with his headphones on. And he was pulling along a gramophone. A gramophone on wheels.


"What in the name of duck...?" I asked.


"Aha!" announced Sir Mallard Jones. "You, my fine fellow, are the first to witness my brand new technology! It's a portable gramophone with earmuff capabilities. So without further ado, my fine friends, come meet ... the iPhone!"


Riley, who'd appeared at my side, explained to Mallard that the iPhone already existed and was a good deal lighter than this shebang.


"Alas!" said Mallard, before turning to address his strange machine. "Then what shall I call thee, my little techno-duckling?"


"What about a 'the iHorn'?" asked Riley. And just like that, the iHorn was born.


Ever since, the following things have happened:


• Our poor mailperson almost tripped over the iHorn when Mallard, who'd been inspecting the state of our grass with his favorite monocle, decided to go to the bathroom without taking his portable-but-clearly-not-that-ducking portable iHorn with him.


• When a forlorn Mallard lost his iHorn, I helped him search for it for twenty minutes before we realized Riley had been using it as a clothes horse. There it was in the kitchen, covered with three freshly laundered kimonos and a T-shirt that says, "This Tail Is Banned In Vegas."


• Mallard, whose shopping is usually done by his staff at Mallard Mansion, was almost arrested in the duck superstore when he decided to "drop by" to get some brass polish for the horn bit of his iHorn. It turns out some bored duckling named Biff had decided to see how many things she could drop into said gramophone horn when Mallard wasn't looking. The result? Mallard was accused of collaborating with Biff to steal two blackberries, three carrots, half a pound of crabapples, and a chocolate-marshmallow egg. Fortunately, the whole thing was caught on security camera, and because Mallard's gramophone isn't the cleanest, he was allowed to keep everything except the egg. Mallard is now writing an angry book about this called, "One May Be A Fruit, But That's No Crime."


• While spending a serene afternoon by the pond listening to Beethoven, Mallard decided to take a dip, but forgot to remove his headphones. On the grassy slope that leads down to the pond, the gramophone-on-wheels went faster than he did, landing him beak-down in the pond-slop. Yours truly had to perform the kiss of life—on Mallard, not the gramophone.


Friends, why this iHorn is still in the apartment is beyond me and Riley. Fortunately though, Riley bought Mallard several Lizzo albums, so yours truly is much happier. The Duckers, it turns out, is a far cooler soap opera when its backing music is Truth Hurts.


Look after yourselves, my friends. It's easier being a duck than a human right now. Eat good things, love yourself, give the flipper to folks who deserve the ducking flipper, and never put a Reese's Egg down a gramophone. Also, if you recently go The Big D supermarket, watch out for bored ducklings who like dropping things down funnels.


Loves ya,

Duck T.