top of page

Duck's Been Put On Beak-Hole Checking Duty. And He's Created Some Specialist Gear. [*Clears Throat*]

Duck, a plushie, holds a hammer and dances in front of ducks and swans on the pond. One bird is looking at him with great suspicion.

Ducks and Chucks,

Okay, so I've been put on beak-filter checking duty at the pond. This means that while the pondemic continues, yours truly now has the RI-DUCK-ULOUS job of bending down and looking DIRECTLY into everyone's beak-holes to check that our forgetful flock have actually put their beak filters in.

Which usually they haven't.

That's right, ducks and chucks. We birds can't wear face masks, and even if we could, why would we? Face masks are a DUCKING HAZARD for waterfowl unless you clip the ear-loops. But what use is the mask AFTER the ear-loops get clipped? So yes, we wear beak-filters inside our beaks instead:

Duck's beak-hole filters look like round BandAids with netting over the top.

The problem with my new beak-hole checking duty is that it's DUCKING UNSAFE! I mean, what if I'VE forgotten to put in MY OWN beak-filters? I mean, I'm just as forgetful as the next waterfowl!

Well, seeing as I'm the guy who's bending in and inhaling potentially unfiltered beak-hole breath, and there's ABSOLUTELY NO safety equipment for ducks as yet, I decided to create some myself. Because I'm nothing if not a D.I.Y. duck.

Here's the first one I created:

Duck wears a helmet with a flip-down screen over the front. It's the sort you wear for doing welding. And he's smashed a hole in the protective visor, where his beak sticks through.

Okay, so this LOOKS ducking cool! I was really ducking excited when I made it. How, you ask? By snaffling it from Jake's basement. (Jake is Star's partner and he's really good at DIY stuff. I'm sure he won't mind my using his safety equipment.) Then I got a hammer and created a beak-sized hole so I could fit it on my head:

There IS a problem, however. Think about it. It's meant to be protecting my DUCKING BEAK, but that's the only bit of me that's actually STICKING OUT OF THE HOLE. Worse still, it turns out broken glass is A DUCKING RISK. Seriously, don't monkey with the stuff yourself! You should have seen how many BandAids I was wearing after Riley helped me to take the ducking thing off.

Result? FAIL.

But this duck doesn't give up easily. So I started on special helmet number two:

Duck is wearing a knight's helmet with some pondweed dangling over the opening.

I was really ducking excited about this one! It's made from a helmet that I found in Mallard Jones' castle, plus some dangling pondweed. The pondweed, I figured, would help to catch any stray germs that might be considering entering my beak-holes.


But you know what happened when I tried it out? As I leaned over each bird to check their beaks, the ducking pondweed kept tickling everyone's beak-holes—and what happens when you tickle a bird's beak-hole? We ducking sneeze. In other words, my protective helmet actually HELPED PROJECT THE GERMS RIGHT INTO MY BEAK-HOLES with stunning accuracy. I wouldn't be surprised if the germs threw a party. They must have been ducking delighted.


Anyway, thanks to Riley's friend Parvati Peacock, I managed to get hold of this beekeeper's hat:

Duck is wearing a beekeeper's hat. The netting falls over his beak and face. He is also dancing in the pond. Rocks surround him.

I was SO PLEASED when Riley brought it home! We thought it was the ANSWER TO ALL MY PROBLEMS! Plus, Riles also said it made me look very suave, as if I was about to "dowse them" in honey. (I won't be explicit, but you get the drift.)

But then, horror of horrors, Riley read an article that said netting LETS GERMS THROUGH! Oh, the quackduckery! If it wasn't for the Peacock Parvati and the bees, I've have torn that hat to pieces and jumped all over it angrily—using both flippers.

Don't worry—I know that was a pretty violent outburst, but I'm over it now.

Anyway, in the end, I decided on this approach:

In red, on a gigantic note taped to Duck's front door (interior) is written, "Duck, don't forget your beak-filters. Loves ya, Duck."

Pretty amazing, right? TOTAL SCORE! And you know what? I told my CEO Goose Luce about it and she decided to put it in the waterfowl weekly e-newsletter. So now the idea's caught on and it's TOTALLY TRENDING! Apparently almost EVERY BIRD ON THE POND now has a gigantic note stuck to their front doors!

Unfortunately, because Goose Luce is never very specific, a lot of the birds have stuck the notes to the WRONG SIDE OF THEIR FRONT DOORS.

You can see why I'm exhausted, can't you? Sometimes, it never ends.

Anyway, ducks and chucks, thanks for being there! You ducking rock.

Loves ya,



bottom of page