Ducks and Chucks,
Santa Claus is ducking scary! And I hate to say it, but we birds seem to suddenly be interested this intimidating, red-robed figure. Well, he may be all very well for humans, but for birds? It gives me beak-chills. Not convinced? Allow me to persuade you that Santa is ducking dangerous and needs to be given the flipper:
1. This human actually breaks into your house by sliding down your chimney. Seriously, can you imagine anything less ethical? While you're sleeping at night, this guy with a sack actually slides down your roof-shaft? When else is it a healthy thing for a stranger to housebreak? The thought of him crashing down on top of my polished coals is enough to make my beak fall off. Why doesn't the beak-brain ask for permission? Anyone who exposes his sack in my living room without my say-so is getting sent to the bullrushes. May they tickle his beard and ruddy nose until he knows better.
2. Strangers giving gifts to your ducklings has been frowned on for decades. So, I did see the latest Candyman movie, and I do admit that sometimes strangers gift candy without any guile. But this guy! He actually wraps whole packets of the stuff! I mean, how do you know what's in there? He could be bringing anything into your home? What if it looks like some Milk Duds but is actually a face-mask that's been disposed of without anyone clipping the ear-loops? A duckling could do themselves serious damage with that! And since when have we said, "It's a bad idea to accept gifts from strangers, but if he's some human with a long beard and suspiciously loud clothing, and he arrives at midnight on December 24th, it's totally ducking okay"?
3. Why is he always blushing? Think about that for a moment. We waterfowl don't blush, of course, but we've heard all about it. Unless I'm wildly confused, you blush when you're embarrassed. So why-oh-why is this Santa Claus duck-head so ducking ashamed? Probably because he's breaking in and sneaking inappropriate things beneath your freshly vacuumed tree!
4. He imprisons elves. Even if we're beak-to-flippers happy about the gifts, there are further ethics that worry a duck's flippers. We all know about the devastating things humans are made to do for the minimum wage. Poor working conditions! Lack of breaks! Enforced egg-frying! The list goes on and on. Yet from what I hear, this Santa dude is holding elves prisoner all year round, just so they'll make and wrap his ducking presents! That's about as ethical as eating ducks, and nobody's done that since the Horrifying Duck Feast of 1864.
5. Mrs. Claus—what to think? Right? I mean, where is she, for starters? Why is this guy's brand all about him? Is she hiding deliberately, or just forbidden from opening an Instagram account? Either way, it reeks of misogyny. That's before we've even gotten to the magical reindeer. Ever see one of those poor flying hoofers at any other time of year? Why not give them some flying time in June, for duck's sake? Everyone deserves a little sunshine. Even if they get hayfever, give them the choice!
Need I go on? Well, actually, I will. If you'd like to hear more about my thoughts on Santa and human holidays in general, feel free to join my duckie-friend email list. You'll get my original letter from the pond once a month, and two free e-books by yours truly as well. And if you want to see my memes and videos, check out our Instagram.
And if you see some human out there with a long, white beard and a bulging sack, I suggest you keep him away from your ducklings.