Ducks and Chucks,
So, thanks to Star, the truth is out on Instagram. [Sorry, Duck!—Star] Yes, I once gave the flipper to Lauren Bacall in a smoky bar. But it was an accidental flipper! You see, I was actually aiming said insult at the anti-queer protesters outside the bar. Did Lauren Bacall know this? No she did not. Did I try to explain? Duck yes! Unfortunately, this was not the only thing I needed to apologize for, especially after this ducking photo made the rounds:
Okay. You see the ducking problem. And what beak-brain made it into a meme, huh?
So, for the record, and just so everyone can see how ducking seriously I took this, here's my apology to Bacall, which was hand-delivered by a turkey I happen to know:
Dear Lauren Bacall,
Again, I am so sorry for giving you the flipper the other day. I don't blame you for not letting me buy you a drink in recompense. People must try to buy you drinks all the duck-darn time. But you have to believe when I say I really was intending to flip-off those homophobes. I truly am beak-to-flippers sorry.
As for the other thing, I don't know who started the rumor about me and Bogie. Yes, I did happen to faint once while I was waiting for a table at Pizza Duckteria, and Humphrey Bogart just happened to be there. [I have it on good authority that Duck fainted because he saw Bogart there!—Star] I'll never forget the loving way he cradled me in his arms as I drifted back into consciousness. The flipper massage that followed was JUST PART OF HIS CARING APPROACH to my blackout. When he whispered, "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few ducks behind," he was trying to cheer me up. Whatever the witnesses say, it WAS NOT FLIRTING. That said, I don't know what he meant when he said, "Get up, angel. You look like a Peking duck."
Again, I can only apologize. I know I look like a total beak-hole. But The Big Sleep is honestly one of my favorite films ever.
The truth is, when you genuinely duck up, it's always important to give a heartfelt apology. Honestly, I should never have allowed Humphrey Bogart to give me that flipper massage. In the words of Vincent in Pulp Fiction:
"I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a flipper massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million flipper massages, and they all meant something." —Vincent, Pulp Fiction
I guess mine and Bogart's love was the forbidden sort. What can we do, ducks, but apologize and paddle on?
Signing off, in full responsibility:
The above post is 100% fictional. However, Duck will hate me for saying so.