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Don't Wear the Wrong Ducking Mask, Duck-nabbit

Dear Ducks,

The pandemic—or "pondemic" in the waterfowl community—is kicking this duck hard. I happen to be a pond manager, so guess who gets paged at one in the morning to remove yet another dead duck from the pond with my Duckson Pole-a-Net? And you know what further dampens my flappers? When the poor, floating, toes-up bird is wearing a poorly-chosen mask.

So, because yours truly is an activist at heart, here are three mask-wearing choices that will not ducking protect you—either from a pandemic, pondemic, or other kind of demic. Consider yourself warned.

1. The Horror Mask

Is it just me, or does the base of this mask look way too flappy?

Secondly, birds and humans alike are having a tough time, so let's not scare them duckless by looking like the bird equivalent of Freddie Krueger, okay? Yours truly did not sleep for three nights after passing the individual pictured here, or someone just like them, on the way to the pond. Seriously, I went quackers.

Also, this must be hard to sustain. Humans sweat a lot.

2. The Dangler

Duckies, do I really need to explain why this (see right) is an ineffective mask-wearing strategy? You'd think, being a medical professional, this duckie would have an edge when it comes to safety, but no.

You're gonna need that stethoscope, buddy.

3. The "But Why?"

Whatever species you are, this is not ducking okay. There is zero protection and this poor pooch looks like a ducking goon.

Have a heart, people.

And don't be duckist and say this looks like a duck beak. It's clearly some kind of Dyson vacuum cleaner attachment, with zero protection from germs or ridicule when removed from its natural home.

Anyway, I'm sending a big, ducking thank you to everyone who's wearing a mask. You're thinking of others as well as yourself, and this duck thinks that deserves accolades.

Even the poodle. (Try again, pooch.)

Mask it good. Mask it real good.

Over and out.

--Duck T.


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