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Why This Duck Hates "Floor is Lava"

Dear Ducks,

Now, I’m a sensible duck with my butt firmly planted on the water. All the same, what duck doesn’t need gameshow of an evening? For me, a gameshow is true relaxation. Trivia. Teamwork. Pondweed-weaving. Whatever. But for all my love of this ducking genre, I draw the ducking line when it comes to Floor is Lava.

The premise of this gameshow, ducks, is an assault course, set up like a bedroom or kitchen or whatnot, and the contestants have to cross it without falling into the “lava” that covers the floor. According to Star Williams, a fan of the show, who also happens to be transcribing this post, it’s completely ducking original, the commentary is hilarious, and it’s great seeing teams really working together, trying to help each other through.

Floor is Lava

Now, that’s all very ducking lovely, but here are some deadly serious reasons to hate this ducking show:

1. It’s not actually lava, which completelylowers the stakes. And I mean, if it’s not lava, what is it? Sunny D? This duck wants to know.

2. Why the duck can’t you swim around the obstacles? If you can fall into the lava, you can swim the lava. The contestants would get there a duck of a lot quicker, without all this clowning and falling around.

3. “But if you could swim the lava,” says Star Williams, “it would defeat the whole purpose.” To which I reply, “Swimming never defeats the whole purpose! It’s a duck’s ducking glory.” To which Star Williams says, “But the show’s not for ducks.” And to that, my friends, I say, “Well, maybe it ducking should be.”

4. More seriously, if you’re all right with staring murder in the face—yes, murder!—just take a butcher’s at the screenshot of the show below:

If those aren’t actual waterfowl hanging on the wall, all meatlike and departed, then I’m a stuffed pillow. Now, yes, I’m all for duck- and bird-visibility—there’s not enough of it out there, for sure—but dead birds are not true bird visibility. As Star Williams always says of queer visibility, “If the lesbian always dies, then something’s wrong.” Replace “lesbian” with “duck,” and that’s my point exactly.

Floor is Lava. A complete ducking waste of time that keeps Star Williams happy, laughing, and utterly ensconced. Why? Because Star Williams is not a duck.

Loves ya.

Over and out.

—Duck T.


Note from Star: You can watch Floor is Lava trailer right here, thanks to Netflix. Just don't tell the duck.


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