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Ducks and Chucks,
This pondemic has finally driven this duck to YouTube. Yes, desperate for a laugh and a quackle, I searched Google using the phrase"Funny pet videos." The problem is, other animals are ducking TERRIFYING. These may be hilarious for humans, but for ducks? They're FREDDIE KRUEGER. Take a look at the following—but remember, if you're a duck, they're NSFDW (not safe for ducking watching).
Vengeful dog—There are more animals that feed on ducks than there are goldfish sandwiches. Example: I once saw a mouse eating a duck with a knife, a fork, a side of fava beans, and a nice chianti. This humble pond manager could never eat beans again and had to use his entire pond-safety budget on assembling a mouse-proof fence around the pond's periphery.
But dogs are the most notorious destroyers of ducks, so imagine how flocking terrified I was when I saw what a dog can do with a small, flapping, cone-shaped object that's not unlike a duck and was actually intended to keep said dog safe FROM THEMSELVES.
If you want to sleep tonight, DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO. [Thanks to The Dodo for the following video awesomeness—Star.]
James Bond-McSquirrel—Now, squirrels may look cute, chucks, but the reality is they're DUCK KILLERS. And the last thing I want when I'm on nighttime pondwatch duty is a squirrel launching themselves at me through the moonlight, when all the security swans round the edge of the water have ducking dozed off. (Swans are easily exhausted—seriously, I've sent a million memos.)
Here's why squirrels are TO BE FEARED. If they can do this to get a drink, imagine what they'd do to get a duck!
[Heads up, this video is a UK beer advert from the 1980's—Star]
Duck Floatie Krueger—A disabled duck who can't swim is rescued after abandonment, but finally takes to the water with a floating device? That is a moving story, make no mistake. [You can read it here at The Dodo—Star] But NO FLOCKING WAY is what you'll see in the following video a problem-free solution:
Trust me, that giant yellow duckie is some kind of GODZILLA-type creature, ready to chow down on any unsuspecting pond manager as soon as the sun starts to set.
Picture it: The all-too-quiet moonlit pond, the eerie hiss of wind in the trees, the plop as my trusty clipboard—the safety blanket of any administrative duck—accidentally slips into the water with a chilling splash. . . and in the distance looms the shape of the following giant yellow monstrosity WITH A HELPLESS, SWIMLESS DUCK RIDING ON ITS BACK, utterly unaware that she's in the grips of what SEEMS like an innocent mode of transport, but is actually a CUNNINGLY DISGUISED, BIRD-EATING MONSTER!
It's enough to make this duck lose his pondweed lunchables.
You can read the full story by Caitlin Jill Anders at The Dodo.
This duck's conclusion? Along with the necessary beak-masks, get every duck a personal alarm, a can of pepper spray, and nightly classes in martial arts. And whatever you do, DON'T WATCH ANIMAL VIDEOS.
Loves ya, ducks and chucks.
Over and out,
Duck