Peacock Riley and I watched last night's episode of RuPaul's Drag Race with our peepers (and in Riley's case our peckers) glued to the screen. (See last week's post here!) We were relieved to see that most of the queens are still alive—though I'm not completely ducking convinced that a queen-braised pork-chop takeout business isn't secretly in the werks.
Here's what went down between me and my partner Riley after last night's episode of Drag Race:
Duck: Riles, what's wrong? You look ducking flustered.
Peacock Riley: Riley's mad to the tuck, I tell you. Denali's really putting the cock in my pea tonight.
Duck: It's the feather thing, isn't it?
Peacock Riley: I mean, why the p'cark does Denali think ostrich feathers are higher quality than chicken feathers? It's totally birdist. Riley's sure the divine Gottmik does NOT approve.
Duck: Honestly, Riles, I'm a HUGE fan of Gottmik too, and she was SUPER-AMAZING last night, but this duck is DONE with having to wrestle your Gottmik-smooching kisser off of the screen so I can WATCH THE DUCKING SHOW!
Peacock Riley: Gottmik is family!
Duck: As in, Gottmik is trans like we are? Or as in, Gottmik is a peacock?
Peacock Riley: Both! I mean, Gottmik The Divine came out to the other queens IN SONG. I'm sure that I, Riley the Fabulous, am the only other queen/peacock who's done that, EVER.
Duck: Well, last time I challenged you I got a cream-topped pondweed pie in the pecker, so yes, this duck is sure you're right. But let's get onto the more pressing topic.
Peacock Riley: Gottmik and Riley 4 EVA. Possibly with Lala Ri watching (so aglow!).
Duck: But what about Elliott with 2 T's? I know she's a rhinestone titmouse fantasy, but OH MY DUCKING BUTTHIVE! She is also the spy in the henhouse, I tell you. She's probably been sent to work out which queen would make the best pork-chop starter! Her motives are SINISTER.
Peacock Riley: Any queen who's an actual choreographer yet doesn't immediately order the queens around when they're trying to ducking choreograph CANNOT be sinister. She's innocent, I tell you! She just has that gnarly, suspicious-looking side-eye! And judging a queen on her side-eye is like judging a duck on his BEAK-SIZE.
Duck: RILES, NOOO! That damns any duck's bill of rights!
Peacock Riley: Silly. You're just upset that Mother Hen got comfortable quickly. But I say, "CONDUCKULATIONS, ELLIOTT!" because being ejected from the pork-chop-seasoning-bucket and dropped into the glitter-packed steam room is about as easy as hiding oysters from Riley.
Duck: Not a spy? Are we SURE?
Peacock Riley: Well, if Riley's wrong and she is the spy who ducked me, at least we've got a boxer on the scene.
Duck: There's a boxer? I hate those dogs! They're DUCK-KILLING MACHINES! Throw' em under the Tina Burner!
Peacock Riley: No, silly! Riley's talking about Symone! She's totes divine and she's got punch.
Duck: Yah, Symone's quackers-gorge. Ding-dong duck, I'd like to pull on those braids.
Peacock Riley: Riley's more interested in pulling on a certain pasty.
Duck: Hmm, come to think of it, I'm pretty hungry myself. Though we are NOT ORDERING IN FROM THE PORK-CHOP LOADING DUCK. That is just ducking immoral.
Peacock Riley: Riley's definitely peckish. Let's get something to eat, then watch that SUPER-MOVING section of Untucked again (see tweet below) where Gottmik waxes golden about being trans and the other queens support her. It moves Riley every time.
Duck: Let's do it! Hmm, so what to eat.... Some yummy cotton Kandy Muse candy?
Peacock Riley: Paired with some dark chocolate wrapped in gold?
Duck: Sounds Lala-ri-licious!
Want to read more about the birds? Check out their biographies here!