Ducks and Chucks,
Now, look. I know everyone thinks being a duck makes you naturally chill. But yours truly has always been one of the pond's most stressed ducks. Being pond manager doesn't help. Plus there's this duck-darn pondemic to manage. And if you ask me, it's the pondemic that's been causing all the stressed-out quackduckery of the past week.
"What quackduckery is that?" you ask. Allow me to share:
Unless You Want Gardenias, Quit Hassling of the Duck of Blooms
Could my fellow waterfowl please stop hassling the Duck of Blooms? I know many of us are desperate to get back to growing rather than panicking, but badgering the Duck of Blooms for self-growth tips makes zero ducking sense. Firstly, the Duck of Blooms is so-called not because of his self-help abilities, but because he's a very talented and capable florist.
That's right. A florist.
When I asked the Duck of Blooms to confirm this, he said, "Yes, I am not a self-help guru, so please can everyone stop texting me with questions about their emotional growth needs. I sell flowers—gardenias, roses, daffodils, and more. In fact, if anyone wants a bunch of daisies, they're on special right now."
See? Let's stop texting this poor bird about whether it's a good idea to dig deep right now.
The Surreal Photo-Bombing Has To End
If I find out which mallard has been photo-bombing flamingo gatherings, I'm going to lose my ducking mind. When flamingos are flamingling, just let them flamingle, okay? Who are we to go sticking our beaks into the photos they so often take for glossy flamingo-zines?
Alas, in the last two weeks, yours truly has received three formal letters of complaint from the editor of Flamingo Monthly.
Note to the mallard concerned: If you want to be on the cover of Flamingo Weekly, you're going to have to go about a different way. By networking, for example, or winning their Flamboyant Non-Flamingos contest. Thank you.
No, The Duck of Dreams Has Never Been a Human
So, this rumor that Rudolph, the Duck of Dreams, used to be a human is quite simply wrong. Whoever posted the above quote needs to remember to check their sources before creating memes for Duckster. Yes, the Duck of Dreams did say that we birds can be whoever we want to be. In fact, they say it about fifty times a day. But not once have they said that they used to be Mrs. P. B. Hamilton of 22 Honker Street, Hickley. And even if they were once Mrs. P. B. Hamilton, it's ducking impolite to go round talking about these things.
Boundaries, ducks. And truth.
Okay. I'm off to do some deep quacker-breathing.