Ducks and Chucks,
My friends, the worst has happened. We have a pond thief. But I don't mean someone's gone and stolen the actual pond. No, some bird at the pond is flipper-tucking our stuff. [Flipper-tucking means stealing. —Star]
I know we have a safe, respectful, occasionally dignified pond. Yes, there's my best frenemy Mallard Jones who's always talking about his fancy castle and designer duck-tux, but he's been particularly thoughtful with his motorboat recently. I actually think he's chugging by at a slower pace, which is very helpful when it comes to goose-management.
If any geese are reading, some of you folks get so gaga about Mallard on his swanky vessel that as soon as he appears, you stop looking where you're swimming and plunge beak-first into the sludge at the edge of the pond. (I'll name no names. You know who you are!) But this week alone I've only had to beak-wrestle one goose from the muck—and that's a ducking record. Bravo, everyone.
Anyway, among the things that have been stolen during the past week are:
• Goose Luce's Donald Duck stapler
• Swan Horton's spare beak
• My Sony Flipper Massager Pro
• Mallard Jones' Complete Sonnets of William Shakespeare
• Jemima Duckling's daisy-print swimhat
• A load of Mallard Jones' fine cigars
• Swan Juan's teal fedora with the speckled band (Sherlock, if you're reading, that's not a snake)
• Goose Luce's ENTIRE tea set, including her rose-print teapot and silver goose spoons
• Mallard Jones's facial feather trimmer
The Duck Police have been over already this week, but as usual, they mostly seemed interested in diving for fishie nibbles and helping themselves to the pondweed ice-creams that Swan Juan keeps in the freezer.
Anyway, next time you leave a tea set at the edge of the pond or—and this one's the flipper-kicker because yours truly had to tidy it away—a wet suit and diving mask complete with non-duck flippers and snorkel, please put it in a pond locker, so no one can flipper-tuck it. Thank you very much.
Right. It must be close to beak o'clock.
Please take care of yourselves, ducks and chucks. The pond needs every one of you.
Over and out.