—By Duck T. and Peacock Riley (and Star Williams)
What bird doesn't want to bury their gossip-pecker into the premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race, Season 13? That's why I, your TV-loving duck, is inviting my partner Peacock Riley (drag name: Alotta Potata) onto the Chuckle Duck blog.
Why? Because, as I told Riley, I am disturbed. Ducking disturbed. Here's why:
Duck: Riles why the duck is episode one called The Pork Chop? Because yours truly spent last night worrying my beak off. Is it just me, or is it ducking obvious that someone, probably RuPaul, is going to EAT half of the QUEENs.
Peacock Riley: I, Riley the Radiant, totally agree. Humans will eat anything—Michelle Visage may be vegan, but last night, she looked positively ravenous.
Duck: For duck's sake, MICHELLE VISAGE CANNOT EAT THE QUEENS! And what if RuPaul put them in that little pork-chop room to more easily season them, prior to braising.
Peacock Riley: Duck, you're sweating....
Duck: Because RUPAUL'S DRAG BRAISE! What a ducking travesty! Humans will season anything! I hear some eat geese.
Peacock Riley: Others just honk like them. Which brings yours truly to Joey Jay.
Duck: Yah! What a chicken!
Peacock Riley: Duck, what's wrong? Your beak just fell open.
Duck: Oh my cod! Joey's a goner! Humans LOVE chicken!
Peacock Riley: And any queen who's that much in the red must be tempted to sell their legs for fame.
Duck: And what a pair of drumsticks Joey's would make. OH NO, puddle my quack-sticks! You think that's why she lost the lip-sync? Because she's going to become the lip-smack?
Peacock Riley: She does look pretty tasty.
Duck: But they all do! Flap my flippers, we've got to do something! They're going to roll the queens in paprika and some kind of cracked black pepper, before throwing them under the Tina Burner and letting them sizzle.
Peacock Riley: As for Joey, she already sizzles.
Duck: But this is meant to be drag, not braising! And what's Joey's software company going to do without its prize chicken? They need her so badly, they only let her out of the coop once a week.
Peacock Riley: Are we getting a bit carried away with those whole "they're going to eat them" business? Michelle is vegan, after all, and Ru always seems so sensitive about ethics. Ross looks like he owns a pet chicken, and that hungry look Carson gets is more to do with his love of spiky footwear.
Peacock Riley: Only Tamisha Iman is safe, and that's because she wore gorge protective shoulder pads.
Duck: On the other hand, they'd make excellent kebab sticks.
Peacock Riley: Hold on! Radiant Riley has a sudden thought. What if they're opening a RuPaul takeout business? Ru was always very entrepreneurial.
Duck: Stuff ME! You're RIGHT! I can feel it in my nuggets! Why else would Ru get Joey and Kandy Muse to sing "Call Me Maybe"?! It's a total takeout plug.
Peacock Riley: Riley wonders if Ru's takeout biz will offer wine. Ru's already shown he can totally deliver a shameless Rosé! Oh Duck, I can see it in my head: The cocktail of choice will be Denali on Ice. Even E.T. will be phoning home and asking for a pork-chop pickup.
Duck: That does it! I'm calling in the duck troops! Our queer duck army will descend on Drag Race, liberate the flock out of the place, and send the feathers flying.
Peacock Riley: Careful, Duck! I hear Carson bites.
Duck: I know Carson bites.
Peacock Riley: Touché.
Thanks for dropping by! Join us next week for another serving of RuPaul BBQ. —Star