Ducks and Chucks,
I warn you, friends, this isn't just a ductionary definition. Sadly, it is also a devastating duck-confession.
Many of you are already aware of my best frenemy Sir Mallard Jones (now on Instagram, just FYI) who has two homes—Mallard Castle and Mallard Mansion—and swings between being great ducking fun and the bringer of much quackduckery. Well, my friends, Mallard has actually gone and changed the ductionary definition of "mallardacious."
"How can this be?" I hear you quack. "No bird can singlehandedly change the meaning of a word that refers to the graciousness of all mallards!" My answer? They can if they're dating the right quacker.
After all, guess who happens to be having a romantic relationship with Vlad St. Flipper-Clarke, the current duck-editor of both the Quackers Evening Ductionary and the Flock Together Daytime Ductionary, All-Bird Edition? That's right. He's Mallard's latest beau.
"Have you noticed," said Mallard in his mansion-kitchen last night, as we shared a vegan omelette with a side of salmon, "how my vegan omelette has a side of fish and is therefore very original for a vegan omelette? Also," he added, as I mopped my stressed brow, "you may have noted that the official meaning of 'mallardacious' is no longer 'as marvelous as mallards,' but 'as marvelous as Sir Mallard Jones.'"
I almost choked on my non-vegan dinner.
"But fear not!" announced Sir Mallard with a spark in his eye and a twinkle in his freshly-polished top hat. "Because 'mallardacious' can still be used to describe any bird who—or situation that—is almost as wonderful as I."
"Whatever's next?" I quacked, irritated. "You'll be copyrighting the term before I can even quack it!"
Mallard gave a long gasp. "Dear Duck, best frenemy of all the frenemies, thank you for bringing this to my attention! I absolutely MUST copyright it! Better safe than sorry, as my own private, freelance duck-firefighter, who charges by the hour, always likes to say!"
So if you happen to notice over the next few weeks that the word "mallardacious" has a tiny TM symbol next to it, that's because yours truly has a big beak that he tends to flap when he gets upset. That said, we all make mistakes, and I'm going to forgive myself for mine.
Pondweed ice-cream will be involved.
Also, a flipper massage from Riley.
I am mallardaciously sorry. But I'm also just a duck, doing my best to bob on in life.