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Duck and Chucks,
It's true. We ducks have been secretly protecting and ensuring the welfare of Joe Biden. Why? As a matter of fact, not all the ducks in our duck quactivist team are Biden fans like I am—but that isn't the point. If you give a duck about human welfare, then you give a duck about human welfare. And we ducking do. Hence all the poop.
Here are five ways in which our quacktivist duck team has been offering vital support and protection to President Biden over the past week:
1. Big Giant Gina—Big Giant Gina is the biggest, most powerful duck for miles, and I'm proud to say that she thwarted a nasty cabbage-throwing attack on President Biden yesterday afternoon. She did so by ducking launching herself at the crowd while quacking, "Be afraid! I'm a low flier and my poops are way bigger than cabbages!"
See her here, a proud patriot, who also, it turns out, needs to eat more fiber.
2. Al the Angry—Al the Angry and their ducking loud team of badass birds went quackers yesterday before the Inauguration, thus thwarting a planned gull poop-attack on Lady Gaga. The attack would have prevented her from properly singing the National Anthem. And Al, a huge Lady Gaga fan, was not having that, thank you very ducking much.
3. Houdini Hans—As you know, to ducks, politeness and ceremony are everything. So, putting his illusory skills to the test, duck magician Houdini Hans disguised himself as a giant banana and inveigled his way into hands of Pence. Why? In order to ensure that Pence was at the Inauguration. Once Pence unpeeled said piece of fruit, Hans cried out, "You know it's the polite thing to do! And there'll be scones afterwards. Scones always tickle your flippers!
Thanks to Houdini Hans, Pence was at the Inauguration. Unfortunately, he also has a newfound fear of bananas.
4. Elliot the Flipper-Tickling Self-Help Quactivist—We managed to inveigle Elliot the Flipper-Tickling Self-Help Quactivist into Biden's bathroom last night by hiding him deep inside a mega-delivery of Lush Twilight Bath Bombs. Overnight, Elliot stuck inspirational post-its all around said bathroom, so that Biden would feel delightful, uplifted, and ready for anything, duckdammit.
5. Lola the Terrible's Undercover Quack Squad—Cunningly hidden beneath a load of sunflowers, Lola the Terrible's Undercover Quack Squad was able to curb any devious human activities prior to the Inauguration by erupting from what seemed like a divine field of sunflowers. Once sunflowerless, the squad rained poop on all wrongdoers with power and dignity. Ducking magnificent! Whoever said flower power was dead, go check your wingspan.
Of course, all ducks were involved in some kind of Inauguration protection. Why? Because we ducking give a duck. And if, for that matter, anyone dares attack anyone anywhere, the Secret Attack Duck Defense Committee are ready to defend everyone's safety:
Want to read more of these vital, educational, and emotionally powerful posts? Sign up for my ducking awesome email list, friend.
Loves ya.
Over and out,
Duck