Beak-Holes (Ductionary Definition)

Sometimes, when I drink pondweed noodle soup, my beak-holes get blocked. Some ducks call this “unclassy,” but we can’t all have impeccably-sized beak-holes that remain free-and-clear even when we inhale whole planets. The truth is, every bird has beak-holes, which is why the pond gets so noisy at night. (I prefer to go home and sleep with Riley. They do opera sing when they‘re sleeping, but it’s actually very pretty.)


I did once order us a duck-normous quantity of Breathe-Right strips for the pond to try and stop the snoring sounds when I do get a yen to sleep on the pond, but for some reason they didn’t work. Plus Goose Luce had to be rushed to hospital because she stuck hers right over her beak in a way that blocked her clearest beak-hole while also plastering her whole beak shut. There was a lot of flapping and falling over, plus when Swan Juan tried to help, his wing got cemented to her beak. In the panic, he just kept flapping. There we’re panic-feathers everywhere.


It does actually say on the Breathe-Right box that they aren’t suitable for beak-holes. Needless to say, yours truly felt ducking bad about *that* fiasco.


Sometimes, I call Mallard Jones a beak-hole when I’m upset with him, but this year I’ve made a New Year’s resolution to only do that twice a year. I’m happy to say that for 2022 I still have one final chance to call him this.


By the way, cleaning your beak-holes at least once a day is important, especially because tadpoles sometimes go to sleep in there. But should your beak-holes ever get suddenly blocked by something other than a Breathe-Right strip, try plucking off a feather and

running it under your beak. What clears a hole better than a sneeze?


Loves ya, duckie friend,

Duck T