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Ductionary Definition: Duck-Side Down

Ducks and Chucks,

As you can see from this Zen photo of yours truly, duck-side down can be a ducking awesome position, especially when, like me, your plush beak allows you to breathe fairly easily underwater. And let's face it, being a pond manager means everybody needs me all the time, which makes boundaries super-ducking important.

The thing is, while most birds acknowledge that I, Duck T, am not to be interrupted while I'm duck-side up with a note stuck to my flipper that says "Gone to lunch," Sir Mallard Jones, my best and only frenemy, merely sees this as a challenge, and has a habit of going duck-side up right next to me.

"Hello, old chap!" he told me underwater on Friday, having blatantly ignored my sticky-note message. "Thought I'd join you for a bite to eat!"

"I've eaten my pondweed sandwiches," I told him, "so I don't have any to share. Also, PLEASE LEAVE ME THE DUCK ALONE."

"Alone time, eh?" asked Sir Mallard, the light of whimsy entering his eyes. "Ah yes, alone time is a special thing. To be left by oneself beneath the glittering water, while fish graze your lengthly beak, is—"

Fortunately for me, I have recently invested in a Mallard-Resistant Underwater Duck-Propellor.

This means that as soon as Mallard's eyes get that far-off twinkle and he starts to wax lyrical about shimmering fish-scales, I just press a button and am catapulted to a quieter part of the pond.

Sadly, the last time I did this, I catapulted straight into Mallard's speedboat The Mallard, which was parked nearby. The result? I had to be saved by Mallard himself—who, incidentally, gave me the peck of life, even though I'd actually only sprained my left wing. Riley, my peacock partner, did not like that, but I swear Mallard wasn't trying it on. He's probably just confused about first-aid procedures.

One thing they should also teach you in first aid classes: Try not to taste of posh cigars and Stilton cheese.

Ducks and chucks, I'll close by saying you might find a Mallard-Resistant Underwater Duck-Propellor useful yourself—especially if you're a human who happens to live in this world. Imagine being propelled to somewhere else at the press of a button! It's masterful!

Loves ya,

Duck T


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