Okay, Santa, I admit I used to be ducking afraid of you. And skeptical! Yes, this duck had you down as a mucky thief who breaks into houses, gets sooty footprints everywhere, and watches children as they sleep. I mean, why did you discriminate against ducks who don't have chimneys? Also, this whole "only good children get gifts" attitude reeks of ducking privilege. How are we good ourselves if we ignore the poor duckies whose rebelliousness is simply a cry for help?
But then my partner Riley told me, "Riley's heard Santa has a problem with doors. He's door-phobic, you know. He has trouble getting through them." That's when I realized the beak-tickling truth: You aren't breaking in, Santa! You're being SHUT OUT!
I was stunned. "Door-phobic?" I quacked. "No wonder the poor guy enters chimney-wards." And just like that, I began to see exactly what was needed: You, Santa, need a duck who's happy to help. And I'm that duck.
Yes, I, Duck T, am the perfect bird for the job. I learned how to open doors when I was just a duckling, and ever since, I've been a door-opening hero. I've opened doors for all sorts of birds and people, as I seem to have an especially strong left wing. I can easily knock at each door, explain I'm here on Santa's behalf, flipper-slap my way into people's houses, and deposit said goods under their trees. On that note, I'm actually GREAT with evergreens. For instance, I LOVE wearing holly at this time of year, while other birds are extremely afraid of it:
Other benefits to accepting me as your holiday volunteer:
I'm ducking awesome with elves. I make them giggle, even when I don't mean to, and from what I've heard, giggling is an important part of holiday cheer.
Are you wondering how you're going to transport all those gift bags into people's homes? Luckily, I have a particularly long beak, which can operate like a hanger.
If you worry about footprints, webbed feet are easier to wipe clean. Also, I can totally feel when there's muck under there.
I'm a queer, disabled duck with one flipper that's bigger than the other. I also have anxiety around flying. So I'm 100% empathic about your support needs, and will never be intolerant or indulge in other quackduckery.
I'm married to a world-famous peacock opera singer, who also happens to be a dab hand at picking locks. So you'll never get locked out with us around!
I'm slowly but surely recovering from my reindeer allergy.
Together, we can get gifts to ALL children who need them, regardless of whether or not doors are involved.
BEST HOLIDAY POSITION EVER! Together, we'll be super-ducking awesome!
Happy Holidays to you and all!