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A Duck's Guide To Loving Your Own Flippers

Ducks and Chucks,

As a pond manager, I've noticed a troubling new trend. Some waterfowl have started speaking down their own flippers. And this will not ducking do! Your flippers, if you have a pair, are absolutely marvelous. They're the quackety-quack of the packety pack! Make sure you love them as much as you can. As a duck with non-normative flippers, I take particular care to praise my flippers regularly.

How can you start to love your flippers, you ask? By way of an answer, here's what I shared in an Instagram story. . . .

There they are. My queer flippers. I can't kiss them when I go to bed at night, which is why I have a print of them on my wall. Then, you see, I can kiss them on the sole and tell them I love every step they take.

The important thing, ducks and chucks, isn't to do with size, shape, or texture. (My flippers, for instance, get soggy rather than slippery.) If your flippers are different flippers, that's something worth celebrating. If anyone suggests otherwise, just drop me a line, and I'll come over and flip them the flipper, because my flippers are keen to stand up for yours.

I'm a paddler, it's true. That's why I became a pond manager—because pond managers need to be thoughtful and methodical, and what duck-in-a-rush is thoughtful and methodical?

See, I'm not quite sure where the rumor started, but many ducks believe that polyester is about the dating scene. It's not. It's the stuff my flippers are made of. Which, now I think of it, is about love—just not the dating kind.

It's true. I thank my flippers every day for helping me to express myself. I do like to stamp a little, especially when a certain mallard snaffles my duckaccino without telling me, then leaves the empty cup on my desk, like I'm his ducking butler.

My flippers object to this, Mallard Jones. Please stop flipper-tucking things that don't belong to you, and remind your flippers where the recycling bin is.

Trans flippers are just as real as any other flippers. I remind my own trans flippers of this on days when they get sore and puffy. I say, "You're as real as anyone else's flippers and, to me, you're perfect."

From my flippers to yours: You ducking rock!

Don't forget to follow us on Instagram and sign up for my e-mail list if you'd like to receive a free copy of The Ballad of Sir Mallard and The Salad & Other Poems, and my monthly letter from the pond.

Loves ya,

Duck T.


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