Bird Offense of the Week: These Beautiful Bird-Themed Items Are Just Ducking Wrong


Duck is glaring offendedly at Riley's peacock necklace. Both Duck and Riley are stuffies.
Duck being offended by Riley's peacock necklace

Note: The following silly duck-darn rant contains affiliate links, which means we get a little cash if you click through and buy—which, if you listen to Duck, you probably won't, but thank you!


Ducks and Chucks,


This duck is totally ducked off with Star Williams, who invested in the following peacock-themed necklace.* Truth is, Star Williams should have thrown the thing away as soon as it arrived from The Amazon. Why? Just look at the quackers packaging. Go on. Have a gander.


Un-be-ducking-lievable! If I ever get my flappers on the beak-brain who wrote those words, I will steal all their eggs and make myself an omelette.


Even Peacock Riley, my glamorous partner, was pretty ducked off about the political implications of "being a peacock in a world of ducks." They said, "That necklace is plume-puckering pretty and would look delectable on Riley's radiant self. However, it is also offensive because Riley is an egalitarian peacock who believes that all birds are equal, even though peacocks are clearly more resplendent than everyone else."


We had a bit of a fight after that, but the phrase to focus on is "all birds are equal."


I do agree that the necklace would look ducking great on Riles, which is why the Amazon product page actually needs to say, "for women and girls and non-binary peacocks and other beings who fancy wearing a peacock necklace."


But you know, ducks and clucks, this isn't the only product that's bird-insensitive on the market right now. Let's talk about this decorative outdoor garden sculpture in the shape of a swan. IF YOU ARE SWAN JUAN, STOP READING NOW, BECAUSE THE FOLLOWING IS TOTALLY SWANNIST.


If there's one thing that flocks swans off, it's this whole "Oh, your necks are so duck-darn long" thing. If I had a pondweed sandwich for every ducker who said to me, "I don't put my beak near swans because they can't floss," I'd have indigestion. And it's very hard to get indigestion from pondweed sandwiches.


Truth is, swans are sadly used to beak-brained idiots who stare at their necks and make them feel uncomfortable. Swan Juan once spent a whole week permanently shrugging, just to try and stop other birds from ogling his neck, but he hurt himself and ended up at the ducking chiropractor. He had to use Swadvil [Swan Advil] for days. Plus he's been a bit lopsided ever since. And try not being stared at when you're a wonky swan.


Anyway, the fact that the statue above makes it look as if swans are related to giraffes is FLIPPER-FLAPPING DISTURBING. [No offense intended towards giraffes—Star.] I mean, if someone edited your headshot and made it look like your ears were the size of cake-plates, how the duck would you feel, huh? So do NOT buy this product. It's quackers disturbing.


My third and final ducking offensive product of the week is actually only offensive to yours truly, but I figure you've probably stopped reading by now, so, as my therapist says, I'll just end with a rant about this duckstorm of doom:



HOLD MY FLIPPERS because this owl ornament is TOTALLY DUCK-DARN TRIGGERING. It's the spitting image of that owl in the oak tree near the pond who, every time I'm on nighttime pondwatch duty and happen to accidentally nod off, there he is, sitting on a ducking branch, staring RIGHT AT ME. Honestly, it's ducking shocking to wake up from a sleep you're not actually meant to be having, and find yourself being STARED AT in a brazenly unblinking fashion—especially when you have a string of drool hanging from your beak.


I mean, if you're going to ogle, at least blink a bit! I understand that a bird sometimes finds themselves staring like a total beak-brain at someone else, but as soon as you realize you've gone and put your flipper in it, you LOOK AWAY, duck-dammit.


So why would I buy an owl that would ALWAYS be staring at me, day and night, from the bookshelf by the door? No ducking way! In fact, if I did have such an ornament, here's what I'd do with it:


Now who's getting stared at?


Good. This duck feels better.

But chucks, if you are foolish above to click through and invest in the above items, Star Williams thanks you, because they'll get a little affiliate income. So, frog bless you for supporting this serious-minded, intensely political blog.


But DO NOT INVEST, folks. Just don't. Instead, I'd love it if you'd sign up for my d-mail list, so we can stay in touch.


Loves ya,

Duck


* I love my peacock-themed necklace by the way, though it's a little hard to keep the peacock centrally-positioned around my neck. —Star