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Ducks,
Happy holidays. Here's a duck joke. That said, if you're triggered by the thought that humans eat birds at this time of year, get the duck out of here. No kidding.
So, this guy is driving along on the freeway when he notices a duck running beside him, even though he's going pretty fast. "What the duck?" he cries, amazed at the duck's speed (duckist!). So, of course, he puts his foot on the accelerator. But the duck keeps up, running even faster, and eventually overtakes the guy before turning down a sideroad.
"You know what," says the guy, who has white, cis privilege and is totally wigged the duck out at being beaten by a duck, "I'm gonna follow that bird!"
All goes as planned, until the sideroad turns into a dirt track, and at the end of the track, there's a farmer having a smoke (of a cigarette, not a kipper). The duck shoots off over the fields, and the guy with white cis privilege is forced to stop his vehicle.
Rolling down his car window, he says to the farmer, "Is that your duck? Why's he so fast?"
"Well," says the farmer—who's a woman, by the way—"you know when you roast a bird, and you have a drumstick and your partner has a drumstick too? Well, what if you have a guest over? They might also want a drumstick. That's why we breed three-legged birds."
Unaware of the monstrosity of this—because two-legged birds are perfection, and why do we tamper with nature duck-dammit?—the guy says, "That's a great idea. So, where can I buy such a duck?"
The farmer gives a heavy sigh. "You can't, I'm afraid."
"Why not?" says the guy.
Looking pissed, the farmer says, "Well, if you're so fast, you try and catch one!"
This was adapted from a joke told by Buddy Hackett. Check out his genius performance, plus two other great jokes, in this video.
Also, please don't eat ducks.
Over and out,
Duck